Dear life: what the fuck is up with you? -love nadia

Mr. Perfect didn't even hug me when he left. I didn't even get so much as a wave. I'll never understand him, how one minute he cant live witiout me, an dthe next he cant even look at me.

I had my first panic attack in alomost a year tonight. just on the insid though. i hide it from the world physically but ,entall i was losing my shit. i saw HIM for the first time in 2 years. and i didnt know what to do. i loved him. I realy truely loved him. deeper thatn any relationship. deeper than any friendship. we fit and we were perfect. nothing of a sexual nature to dilute the perfectness. and so when we fell apart it was bad and slow and painful. then we didnt speak for 2 years. 2 fucking goddamn shit eating years. im still shocked it even hapened. and 2 years later i made the first move to civility, i said "good to seee you" he vaguely nodded in my direction. if it wasnt for the people i met later i wouldve lost my mind. either way i feel the need to drown in my own pitiful tears, dreaming of th one truth i thought id hold on to forever.

thank god i had that epiphany today, cuz if i didnt i would have sought out anger and general fuck up-ed ness tonight to try and satisfy my own unsatisfaction with myself. someone could have gotten real fucked up tonight.

She can't afford to live like this, she can't be dumb enough to dream so big

Met a man tonite who used to work at glendon. His life isnt any better.

I'm not sure what I should say now. I could let my heart all out on the line but that would leave me defenceless. And I love my gated-heart-community. Sometimes I feel as if I've let too much out, then I remember there's so much more that I keep locked away. I often think of myself as an open person but really im much more secretive. i love my secrets, i live ijn my secrets, i feed on my secrets.

i miss CW. one of the few men who could get any secret out of me if he wanted, only because he is one of the secrets. i miss SC. one of the few people i could completely let go with and not worry what he'd think of me. i miss BL. the only person who knew me inside and out. im afraid ill never get that again with anyone, woman or man.

i wish i remembeered what life was like before sex. the sweet innocence i felt before man. the past taht i dealt with solely without all the troubl;es love ensued.