they fell from heaven and carried me away

I don't have much to say. Honestly. But I have the urge to write, and since nothing that I write will be useful or productive, i have found myself here.

I've been listening to the playlist I made for my best friend. She's having trouble getting over an awful boy. Yes, I said boy and not man for a reason. A maturity reason. I titled the playlist: "Music+Science=Sexy: A 27-step, guaranteed, get over him, playlist" It's not helping her the way I thought it would.
Now I am listening to it on a loop. Beginning to end. Straight through with no shuffle. And it's not helping the way I thought it would.
I miss being desired, I miss being loved, and I didn't realize how much I missed it until now.

My body and mind are caught in a conflict right now: am i searching for some kind of meaning ful relationship, or do I just really want to get laid? My jhope is that both thoughts can coincide happily.... but things like that are never so simple in my world. Both items are a dragged out process which usually leaves me battered and bruised in the end,. it doesn't stop me from wanting them though. im a little bit of a masochist if you didnt realize. an emotional masochist but still a masochist. am i even spelling that right? who give a fuck im, drunk and i will spellhorribly if i want! I just hope the grammar nazi never sees this. i dopnt want to have to satrt writing secret anne frank-esque blogs.

i was talking to a friend tonight that i am sad i don't spend more time with and he made me realize a few thing about my life. mostly that if he had never come into the picture i would not be in a good place, and i would still be clinging on to the only thing i thought i had left wihich is a faulty friendship where i have been guilted into owing my very soul to someone has abusued me in more ways that i wish were reakl. my life has been a series of far overdramatic events thus far, and im done with that. ive been done with that before i even met the wonderful people i know now.
And I don't know how i can deal with out them now. i feel pathetic saying it, but they are everything to me. and i feel compleytely and utterly alone when im not with them, or when they dont call, or when the shy away from all those social messaging sites.

So this is me. No fancy analogies. No spell check. Heart on the line. Ready and willing. Cliches a blazin.
And I can't apologize for it, because, for once in my life, I want everyone to see me as I am and love me for it.