that man is a bad influence on me. a sexy bad influence.

so i fucked up. a little. i'm fucked up now. and im not supposed to be.

$10 wasted, $20wasted, now im wasted. and fucked up. come on. so fucked up. shouldnt have but did. i really shouldnt have. i really can't. im so incoherent now.
i didnt want it to be like this. i wanted to come here and talk about the rise and fall. about how i thought you were teaching me but i was really the baby sitter. one won't hurt. no, i was your mother. Why is it that I always have to play the mother, but not just to you, to everyone? just a bit. Don't you remember what I told you? I've already played mommy to the frail and innocent, when is it my turn to be the child. sure, another is okay. i need to put it out of sight out of mind. out of my mind, thats what i am now.
i'm floating.

i've missed him so very much. I missed him when I hated him. I missed him when I walked away. I missed him when he was so awful to me that I felt nothing could save me. but not anymore. i don't have to miss him anymore. it's right where we left off. Right where we started. Where we were supposed to be right now. And it's perfect. And we are the same. The horoscope told us we are the same.
And everything is right now. Except for the spiders and peanut butter and all those itches we need to scratch but we just can't reach because our hands can't get through the skin and flesh. We'll keep the 3's on the back burners and dream of the 8's tonight. We'll pretend our picnick won't get rained on. We'll sit on the deck until our lungs ache from the smoke and mouths ache from the words.
And I will move the floating aside so that he can feel his worth in my glass.