Still Here

You're still here. you brought me perogies and orange juice. But you're still here
why is that? Why did I let you back into my home. just remember I'm letting you nowher near my heart. But yes, you can have some rum. ive tried very hard to keep this friendship alive because i feel like i owe you something. Maybe it's my life, maybe it's my sanity, but I owe you for saving iot. And because of that we are still here. but I don't know if I can keep doing this. It's a onesided friendship,
well that is until you factor in the abuse.
wether verbal or mental or physical, I know what you are capable of and what you do. So really it's hgard to let you in on a more permenant basis. the first time you yelled at me i remember i was so shocked I laid face down in my pillow-cum-tissue and cried for 3 hours straight. one of the hardest cries in my life. The first time I figured out you were manipulating me I cried and cursed you on and off for a whole day. the first time you hit me I shut down almost completely, locking myself away from the world for several days. Not eating, or sleeping, or socializing, or going to class. Least of all talking to you.
And now you are on my couch., watching a wrestling dvd. I'm watching wrestling too, ya know. I'm watching my thoughts wrestle it out before me; fingers vs keys, thoughts vs screen.
you vs me.

Amazing Stories

No, I don't rea;;y have any for you, its the name of my box. not that name perv. i have a box that i keep my mementos in, from my girlfriends, or the ones that matter, all two of you. not surew if that will change, if ever. it's got a picture of a sea beast ripping apart a boat. ha, make of that what you will. i keep all your things you left me with in there, all two of you. an old patch i never was able to put on, too much. your drawings, always make me smile. a newspaper clipping from long before everything went to hell. love you both in so different and difficult ways. got to keep that nostalgia close, a new years that i'll never forget and that one drunken time i told you i loved you the first time. for you my first my dear i burned the pages of my first diary but kept the ones that pertained to you, ah love you matter so much. this blog should not only be written drunk but read that way aswell, you'll like it better. 4 pints 2 shots later and i type and am too coherent. why does everything happen at once? sex, moulting, new avenues, you can all go to hell. i get pictures in m yhead of blowing way too many and hating the next morning. not any more. everything has been put to rest now so tell me why i cant sleep. who doesn't hate being satisfied and then dis. satisfied. over and over and over..............amazing stories. i haaaaaaad a stroke. ah christ, gotta love how booze kills the short term and then way later everything else. don't have that kind of time. atleast, not outside the box.
frisch wert der wind
der heimat zu
mein deutch kind
wo weilest du?

Waterworld Snouts

you were the high water mark
there's been close calls since but i've watched them try hit the wall and then quietly recede.
i watched you go on until my eyes couldn't focus on you

now i play a thousand different games in a thousand separate seconds and wait for my number to be called. to be given the ok to walk down any given street i desire.

on the way home i saw a slapping fight between two hipster ladies, while a hipster boy watched on bashfully. the absurdity at redlights can be baffling.

i bike on as i do in my way and think of how there's too many young folk with bikes.
i wear a uniform even though i craved my own individuality i followed the high water mark. watched all the other waves push on into the horizon and try my best to follow suit.

maybe in the hopes to clash with you again, or maybe because i'm sick of holding this measuring stick.

either way, work is coming on way too soon. and the sun isn't bashful and doesn't mind stopping silly fights.
goodnight tigresses and anteaters, here's to a completely new divide

that man is a bad influence on me. a sexy bad influence.

so i fucked up. a little. i'm fucked up now. and im not supposed to be.

$10 wasted, $20wasted, now im wasted. and fucked up. come on. so fucked up. shouldnt have but did. i really shouldnt have. i really can't. im so incoherent now.
i didnt want it to be like this. i wanted to come here and talk about the rise and fall. about how i thought you were teaching me but i was really the baby sitter. one won't hurt. no, i was your mother. Why is it that I always have to play the mother, but not just to you, to everyone? just a bit. Don't you remember what I told you? I've already played mommy to the frail and innocent, when is it my turn to be the child. sure, another is okay. i need to put it out of sight out of mind. out of my mind, thats what i am now.
i'm floating.

i've missed him so very much. I missed him when I hated him. I missed him when I walked away. I missed him when he was so awful to me that I felt nothing could save me. but not anymore. i don't have to miss him anymore. it's right where we left off. Right where we started. Where we were supposed to be right now. And it's perfect. And we are the same. The horoscope told us we are the same.
And everything is right now. Except for the spiders and peanut butter and all those itches we need to scratch but we just can't reach because our hands can't get through the skin and flesh. We'll keep the 3's on the back burners and dream of the 8's tonight. We'll pretend our picnick won't get rained on. We'll sit on the deck until our lungs ache from the smoke and mouths ache from the words.
And I will move the floating aside so that he can feel his worth in my glass.

Hey, I can light my own cigarette!

And i chain smoked my way home.
Because i don't understand when they all stopped loving me. When I became an enemy. When i needed a scapegoat. probably around the time i needed them and they abandoned me. I love how friendship works.
I met you on the bus. which i hate. it was awkward because you are awkward. When did you become so fucking awkward? maybe it was after our last/the worlds worst send off kiss. The memory of that moment is where kisses go to die. Youve gotten hotter since we ended. more defined, you've kept the chest hair, but you still wear those goddamn glasses. Me? i'd like to saythat i've changed to whether better or worse but really i dont care. because your girlfriend is a horse face. she has a horse for a face. There it's said. We all thought it but no one said it.
Then Mr.Comfort walks in and I know I'm screwed. this used to be a good thing. But I don't want it. i don't want to fall back into our old patterns. Though its like a blanket... its also on fire. you are my blanket on fire. And people always get burned by fire-blankets. We both just sat there with our beers, me wanting out, you wanting whatever it is you long for lately (which is comfort. because you are lonely. and you miss our friendship. and you miss the girl who didnt hold on.)
so when your lips touched my ear every moment rushed back. arms pinned brick walls waking up roommates up until all hours turning nouns to verbs and verbing until ouur bodies couldnt move the broken bed and subsequently the floor. so you ask to be my scapegoat. Although I do have the urge to ram my cellphone stroight through my head to get away from these people and their over negativity I just... laugh. And I let you go on your own. And I'm oddly proud of it.
Because i need to let you go.

Now i'm here and I realize i donthave anything from before and im so different and they havent changed with me. i feel more lost than I ever should. im lost on in my own maze and i think the maze is on an island because I can't seem to find anyone around here. let alone someone who knows the way.

next summer it will rain frogs

that place, is a carnival soaked in 'kermit the frog' green.
it servers the weak, the wicked, and the lost.
i join in on the fun from now and then,
but by the witching hour they are devouring one another.
these kids eat one another alive when push comes to shove.

i've walked away from enough moments that would only lead to a conclusion that would emotionally feel quite similar to a pretty bad case of blue balls or playing a whole circuit in Mario Kart to find out you finished fourth.

tonight there were moments.
moments to hold my tongue, some to bite it hard, some to twist at, some to stuck out to.
but i'll still mix them up in my chrome bowl. take the good with the worst and forget the bad competely.

it's still that frog green that it all gets doused in.
it puts me off,
keeps me staring away from the smile that sits patiently beside me.
it has me unfocusing my eyes from the freak show
losing myself in the blur to how its been the past few weeks.

my bed is full and then its empty. and i know i comprimised alot, and i know i dont feel any wrong by it.

but she reminds me of the devil on my coattails how it's all coming down on our heads one day or another and i embrace the void our destination presents. i guess.

the words are weighing down. i'm tired now.
green light stained, once again Grimmed yet content of being capable to carry out whatever dingy place i've made myself.

Cheers to the freak show, that little carnival that spins wildly in most of us.
Cheers to next summer, because quite frankly this one feels fixed