i'm not your future hope nor your guilty past

years ago i dreamnt i was drifting in open space.
bubbles whizzed past me that were full of warm colours.
i couldn't take the loneliness and grabbed a golden one in the shape of pillow and squeezed it tightly to myself.

the warmth of it filled me with contentment, yet as i squeezed harder to bring it closer to me it split and loosened from my embrace.
I watched it reform and speed away from view.

last night i dreamnt i lived eons, so many experiences overlapping one another until all i could see was a hyperspeed blur of everything ever or to be conceived.
when i woke, the world felt alien and as i braced for the dark cold winter morning i only held onto one hope to keep my shaking legs moving forward.

that bubble i tried to hold onto so tightly could have been any number of things but i'd like to think it had many faces.

i'd like to think the journey last night held a promising future but it could have been brought on from hard living from bad influences.

and now there's a new shape taking form and i can't tell if my future is in the past or if it's waiting right in front of me.
i dont know if i can bring myself to squeeze harder one last time or float on, until the void pounds so hard against my window that this weak heart gives in to the outstretched arms of a peace i was too blind to ever appreciate.




tonight, i'll repeat your name in my head. is it a ghost's name that drives me insane or an angels? too soon to tell.

on a stage in a dingy bar in the middle of town. lights burned like fire then.

i contemplate all of you, and you were damn near perfect.

the salt of the earth was knocked over by your elbow when you asked for your bill. i picked it up and handed it to you.

gestures mean nothing past high school.

we're all walking on the darker side of the street.

and though your gums have exposed your latest kill and you're looking at me like a stuffed turkey, there's something stopping this bad case of the Mondays.

Last night i dreamnt my best friends girlfriend told me she loved me, the night before that i dreamnt you were dying of cancer, today i'll dream of mountains.

life broke us. i couldn't hold you up to the bright light of it all. i wanted to sleep in your tanlines, i wanted you to float there impossibly.

situations are never really there. we make them to decorate the long hallway of life.

this one doesn't fit any of my picture frames.

so instead, i'll desperatly splatter yellow paint over all of it and prostitute it out on the streets late at night.

i'll find you again, like you always said.

but not how you think.

i'll be armed to teeth then.

i'll be asleep then.

i'll be busy by then.

let's kill these last flames with dust and liquids.

let's apologize for apologizing and thank one another for the thank yous.

let's pretend we were never really ourselves.

let's pretend we walked backwards into the ocean, and we're surprised when the tide got high.

goodbye black and blue you.

thanks for pretending, even if just for a moment, with me.

is it over?

The man I want to give my heart to loves Jurassic Park 3.

How am I supposed to go on living?

a killing joke

i've become a war torn country
walls have been built up
i've been divided up between the most frightened.

walls have been built
there are enemies and allies on both sides
and no one in sight holds a hammer.

i curse the night
i say aloud when no one is around
that no one is listening or caring

i believe in the deafnesss
in the blindness
in the ignorant.

truth is;
they're all there...
will be
have been

and all this will eventually be one big joke that i'll laugh about to myself on my deathbed

foolish girlss eventually stop being foolish

I can smell you on me and it makes me sick.
I hate having you hands alll over me
i cants stand when you pull me into you. when you touch my head hands feet

i drown away my disgust in the half emoty bottle s . they lay waiting. its as if they know. they were ready for you. i was not

I dont want you to hold me
or touch me
or smell my hair.
or hug me
or smile that smarmy smile that always asks for more

i don't know what i had been thinking all this time.
the wet driveway held excitement, remincint rain, it felt new. you did not

Automatic Girl

Shrink wrap your kiss in plastic love
make my mind up when you return
I don't know what has happened to me these days

Everyone always blames the Geminis for their duality... but it's not just us, it's never just us. We go about life wanting what we wanting, getting bord of monotony, and changing opinons. Yet we aren't the only ones. Everyone has a bit of Gemini in them. Strong willed and stubborn, curious amnd distracted, communicative and restless, selfish and confused. That's us, in a teeny tiny nutsshell. And that's the rest of the world too. Everyone wants their own way, everyone is interested in something, everyone wants to get away, everyone has a lack of personal grasp. So why am I labeled? Why am I wrong for beingme? Yeah, I'm a Jolie. And a hypocrite. And ddo I care? the answer is completely redundant.
I'll never get why it's wrong to be my sign. why i personally am not right. and why i never ever am allowed to tell people my sign.

This is the end
This is the end
This is the end of the world so it seems
I’ve got automatic love for automatic girl

luck is shifting and shifty

I thought i was slipping backwards again, falling into the that mind hole that i know I don't wanna be in.
then comfort walked in and it was all good. the chaos floated away, in amonst the bad country music and cheap cowboy hats.it was like before. it was our blooming friendship. one of theose nights where you realize "yes, we are good friends. Great friends"
I used to think when i was at my lowest point he could sense it and he'd find me and help me. but I think it's more than that. I think he needs me too. And i wasn't in as low of a spot as i thought, but he was. And I helped him. I made him forget that the world sucks right now for him. I made him see the good again.
we have the purest friendship. no bullshit. no round about words, no mind games. Pure.
and so i realized, i feel him too, no matter how far. I feel what he feels and I know what he knows and i wanna make it right too.

my luck is turning. So is my mind.

"i can see through fog" she sighed

and we relapse... together!

so i walk in the bar and her boyfriend and i share the same name, and i let go.
i let loose, i don't relate to his watching eye.
i would never date someone and sit off the dancefloor and watch your every move and take you aside afterwards and scold you for being too drunk and too flirtatious... well i might if i dated you.

see i dont date anybody, i try and fall short of whats asked of me. maybe its a problem with trust or commitment, but most likely its cause im i shit yet dont embrace being a shit.

anyways, the music bleeds on it kills cells in your ears but lifts your spirits.
and the chorus goes:
I hate your boyfriend x3
I could never be your boyfriend x3
where's the cheese at?

... and rinse and repeast as needed.

bike ride home and mist covers the expanse.
it falls heavy and fast, decending upon the streets full of young loud drunks too quickly for them to pull up their pants.
i bike harder, the cold pushing me on my way
the other day i hadn't seen my little sister in a month or two and when i say hi and embrace her she looks at me and says "i can see through fog"
i think about that, does she mean she can see through my bullshit and tell how broken i am? does it mean she's a mutant? does it mean she gets life more than her parents and i ever will? or is it the bullshit ramblings of a five year old?

i bike through the fog, my body shakes, i sweat more, i just want home, can't see make it out,
i however can't see through fog. i ain't that lucky.

your new boyfriend sucks....

just saying...

you know that song?
"i can see clearly know the rain is gone" ... yeah well that song was about drinking.

Silent sobs in the sounds of sleep

I feel not right. Its all over and my heart feels broken. i dont know what to do now.

it's so weird now. the world is so strange.

I jest and mock and poke and scoff.
I wonder if she hates me yet?

It's hard not having a best friend anymore. Before, things were so simple we were there for the each other. it was the be all and end all. now i find it hard to even make strong connection with any female companion. i have yet to find someone who i feel is worth it for me to care about.

and i like her, really i do. but she's not a best friend. more like a little sister. the little sister you want out of your room when you're alone with a boy. yet the sister you are more than willing to passon wisdom and advice too. it's just hard to be tell the everything nd be comfortable with all the time friends with someone who just isnt on the same wave length as you.

now its getting harder on me. im snapping. gtting irritated too quickly. i dont want to spend free time with her. and somehow i do feel bad, even guilty about this. i just dont know if i can keep going through the motions when the emotions arent there.

maybe there is some sort of shelter for lost friends; people who come from abused friendship or whose hearts were abandoned in a cardboard box on the side of the 416. maybe i could go there and sleep in a little cage with regular intervals of happy-but-alone until some nice friend comes along and wants to adopt this relationship. and they'll feed me and walk me and take me out to play. and we'll be really happy and grow old in friendship.
(wo)man's best friend

Dear life: what the fuck is up with you? -love nadia

Mr. Perfect didn't even hug me when he left. I didn't even get so much as a wave. I'll never understand him, how one minute he cant live witiout me, an dthe next he cant even look at me.

I had my first panic attack in alomost a year tonight. just on the insid though. i hide it from the world physically but ,entall i was losing my shit. i saw HIM for the first time in 2 years. and i didnt know what to do. i loved him. I realy truely loved him. deeper thatn any relationship. deeper than any friendship. we fit and we were perfect. nothing of a sexual nature to dilute the perfectness. and so when we fell apart it was bad and slow and painful. then we didnt speak for 2 years. 2 fucking goddamn shit eating years. im still shocked it even hapened. and 2 years later i made the first move to civility, i said "good to seee you" he vaguely nodded in my direction. if it wasnt for the people i met later i wouldve lost my mind. either way i feel the need to drown in my own pitiful tears, dreaming of th one truth i thought id hold on to forever.

thank god i had that epiphany today, cuz if i didnt i would have sought out anger and general fuck up-ed ness tonight to try and satisfy my own unsatisfaction with myself. someone could have gotten real fucked up tonight.

Havoc (?) k?

Malice! here we are with a hundred angry houswives. ima start writintg my masterpiece. be ready! iut's going to be about the mocies. and maybe love. always love, it infects a mans thought as much as dicks and pussy do. ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh yyyyyyeaaaaaaaaaahh!!! aside from being infantile i spend my dreams dreaming for the most part. i want moon sky gnats and the mythbusters to be with me again. along with being the boyfreind for the night. oh toronty.

four toppings

the only thing carrying me right now is great melody and the abscence of anything worth giving a damn about.

i know we're all sitting in our apartments contemplating the ever impossible "next move" so i'll make it easy for you.

the "next move" is always next. will we ever make it? i doubt it. we'll keep chewing shredded gum pretending it's tabacco playing songs from the 60's and thinking of past lives we never really lived.
how's that for the new era.

being young is good cause we got dreams, its only when we become everybody else, too old for those dreams to mean anything that we sit around happy at any little thing. oh man life.... life... too wrong for this cage.

nicholas cage... nicholas cafe... nick cage cafe, double americanos with a shot of gun pwder while Iris by the goo goo dolls plays while you add in you conair cream... no white rooms, just dance.

baby.... i need your loving... got to have all your loving

Le Sigh... that's french for Sigh.

I miss the JPers. So very very much. Tongiht just solidified it.

Can we all go out and get drunk and be nostalgic even though it was only a few months ago?

I love you all.